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I want alchemy from this ocean

not these metaphors of endlessness


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And All Her Yesterdays (Renesmee metafic)
bugger this
be_themoon
Title: And All Her Yesterdays
Characters/Pairings: Renesmee Cullen
Rating: PG
Warnings: ... nothing, really.
When: Elaboration of a period during Going South.
Summary: She just wants to be herself.
Disclaimer: The Twilight books are not mine, and I am thankful.
Author's Note: Part of my Mary 'verse. Set during Going South, before The One Unchanging Thing Is I. Renesmee in Harvard as she becomes Mary Blake and learns what love is. Un-betaed. May have small changes tomorrow when I wake up and look it over and go 'OMG WHAT WAS I THINKING.'

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She falls in love for the first time when she steps onto Harvard's campus. The names are all old and familiar, and she feels a shiver of excitement when she steps into the huge halls of Widener Library.

The paths are lined with trees on the way to administration, where she signs up for classes with names like Religion and Reason, and Science and Human Nature and Biology and Genetics and Development of Organisms.

+

It is not until she sees her roommate is setting up pictures of her family that she realizes she has brought so little here. A bed, a bookcase she has already filled with books, a laptop. Everything else she had figured she would simply buy as she needed it.

"Hello," she says to her roommate.

"Oh! You startled me." The girl spins around and smiles at her, wide and a little nervous. "I'm Abby Phillips. You're Mary Blake?"

"Yes," Mary Blake says, and cautiously sticks her hand out. Abby shakes it, a little surprised, and then says,

"You won't mind if I put music on, will you?"

+

"I've never had Sourpatch Kids," Mary admits, and Abby giggles.

"I eat them too much, they'll probably make me fat." Her laugh is infectious, and Mary can't help but laugh too.

+

She learns to call the Old Yard the quad, and lies on the grass and watches the sun pass overhead.

+

The second time she falls in love, it is a senior named John Smith, and she does not fall in love with him as much as she falls in love with the normality of his life - two parents, one sister, soccer games and debate club, days spent worrying if he would get into the college he wanted to go to.

They never make out, or go on a date, or even kiss. When he graduates, she shakes his hand and lets him go live his normal life.

+

She takes blood samples of herself and studies them under microscopes, learns the impossibility of her own existence in and out until it is written on her heart and in the neat meticulous notes she takes.

+

Jake comes to visit.

"I couldn't keep away," he says hoarsely, and he has bags under his eyes, his hands trembling as if he cannot control them.

"I'm happy here, Jake." She gestures at the buildings around her. "I'm not coming back." He doesn't say anything, stirs restlessly. "My wish is your command, remember?" she whispers, and cups her hand to the side of his face. "I want you to go and be happy without me." He blinks, once, twice, and then turns and walks away, very tall.

She closes her eyes, breathes in and out and wishes him well.

+

The thing is, she doesn't want perfection. She has never wanted perfection.

She just wants to be herself, once she finds out what that is.

+

The third time she falls in love, the boy's name is Daniel Nisi, and he is in her Metaphysics class. He stares at her until she snaps at him, and then one day he walks up to her and says all in a rush,  "I'm really sorry about the staring and I was wondering would you like to go to the movies with me?"

She says yes, and they hold hands in the dim light, and laugh at all the right moments.

Eventually they go swimming at night in a lake, and go to a baseball game, and watch all seven seasons of Buffy when he finds out she's never watched it, and eat licorice while they talk about Plato and Aristotle. Their mouths are rimmed in black the first time they kiss.

They date for two years, and at the graduation ceremony he asks, "When will I see you next?" and she remembers anomalies and being different.

"Oh," she says, and tries not to cry when she says good-bye and good luck and holds hands with him one last time.

Later she opens his graduation gift to her and does cry. There is a box of licorice wrapped in the middle of the Harvard scarf. The card says, 'because you're always cold.'

+

She tries to catalogue the things she has learned to love - sourpatch kids, Abby singing along to Rihanna, John Smith, baseball games, licorice, Daniel Nisi, the Quad, Widener Library, Plato and Aristotle and Kant, metaphysics, biology, genetics, her own impossibility, holding hands and swimming in lakes at night, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, arguments about character motivation, the edge between awake and sleeping, kissing in the rain, sleepovers, watching all the Lord of the Rings movies in a row, so many things even her brilliant memory can't begin to list.

She cannot help but think that she knows more about love than her parents ever will.

+

She thinks, my heart beats just like theirs, but she could never fool herself.

+

The bus pulls in and she loops Daniel's scarf around her neck, crimson red and soft to the touch.

+

In the reflection in the bus window, her lips are rimmed in black.


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THE BRILLIANT METAFIC STRIKES AGAIN. *is struck*

Okay, and is it weird that this (She takes blood samples of herself and studies them under microscopes, learns the impossibility of her own existence in and out until it is written on her heart and in the neat meticulous notes she takes.) reminds me of Friday's Child by Lisse?

Also, BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER? OH THE IRONY. <333333

I adore how everything Mary loves is so utterly normal and everything Bella *gag* loves is so out-of-this-world. ♥

Once again, awesome fic! 8D

I need to bookmark this verse. *runs off to do so*

Also, because I'm a silly child and forgot to mention some things:

OH JAKE. He annoyed me a lot during Eclipse, but POOR GUY. ♥

And...

The thing is, she doesn't want perfection. She has never wanted perfection.

She just wants to be herself, once she finds out what that is.


and

She cannot help but think that she knows more about love than her parents ever will.

BECAUSE OH MY GOODNESS BETSY IT IS ALL SO TRUE AND SO AWESOME. <333

And the scarf and licorice. *flaps hands*

But also, speaking of Buffy, this makes me want to see the Cullens watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer because of the sheer irony. Except I could never write this, because I've never seen the show.

That little section was probably partially written because of remembrance of Friday's Child, which is one of the things that made me start writing Renesmee at all.

I... actually didn't realize how completely ironic watching Buffy would be until everyone commented on it. *shifty*

Jake! I adored him in Twilight and New Moon - he was really the only cool character. And then she OOCed him into horribleness. I was ticked.

XD Yaay! I'm glad you liked it. :)

Omg omg omg, I have nothing intelligent to say, but omg I love it. I love how normal her life is there, and what is says about her that it's so abnormal. I love the boys, all three of them, and I love that she gets these normal dates with movies and candy and awkward conversations.

<333 yay I'm glad you liked it! That's possibly what I wanted most for her - normalcy. Only I realized she could never really have it, and then I was like 'COLLEGE. NORMALCY!' and had to write this. XD

<333 thank you so much! I'm glad you like it. XD This 'verse is probably one of the most interesting things I've written.

jake, oh my god. *SOB*

and the bit with the box with the licorice and the scarf. *DOUBLE SOB*

I loved Jake in New Moon and Twilight SO MUCH. I was so ticked by how Meyer dumped him later, because he was the best part of the books.

*gives handkerchief* I'm glad you liked it, bb! <333

How are you doing this?? Love it all, but especially the licorice and Jake :)

Thank you! I'm glad you're enjoying it.

I love this so much. All these firsts are so touching and sad and exciting all at the same time.

How funny that she and Daniel watch Buffy LOL. There is so much she has missed.

Love the symbolism of the crimson red scarf.

RE: She takes blood samples of herself and studies them under microscopes, learns the impossibility of her own existence in and out until it is written on her heart and in the neat meticulous notes she takes

I really like this. Because it's a parents' love that creates a child and Mary feels her parents are delusional when it comes to what love really is. And so she not only tries to figure out the 'impossibility of her own existence' because she is a vampire/human hybrid but because she is trying to find what true love is.

If that made no sense don't worry. lol I am just not articulate.

It's like, they would be funny if it weren't so sad that this is her first time for so much of this.

Crimson and gold are the colors of Harvard, which pretty much made me go 'OMG SO PERFECT' when I remembered.

XD I think I understand more or less what you were saying there.

Thank you so much! I'm glad you're enjoying it.

Oh my god, this was beautiful. I love the way she loves: so simple and beautiful and heartbreaking
Favorite Parts:

"My wish is your command, remember?" she whispers, and cups her hand to the side of his face. "I want you to go and be happy without me." I love it that she sets him free. Even as she discovers herself, she helps him understand that he doesn't need her as a reference point for his own life

so many things even her brilliant memory can't begin to list. She cannot help but think that she knows more about love than her parents ever will. THIS! The words are just so true and so perfect.

Yay! I'm so glad you enjoyed it. Yeah, the Jake part - I felt that I needed to resolve it, and as gracefully as I could without being like 'CUTTING YOU OUT OF MY LIFE NOW, K'. Thanks again!

(Deleted comment)
Thank you! I'm so glad you enjoyed them, it means a lot to me when people enjoy my writing. Thanks again!

I just found your stories by way of tvtropes, where they were rec'd, so have a very late comment.
This. Is. Amazing.
You took one of the worst Mary Sues of all time and turned her into an interesting, well-developed character. I just love the idea of Renesmee turning her back on the Cullens' ~sparkle coven~ in favor of just living a normal life, gathering experiences, and actually, you know...developing a personality. I like the subtle allusions to the screwed-upedness of Bella's worldview and the Cullens' lives that you sprinkled throughout these stories. I have now replaced Renesmonster with Mary Blake in my head. As far as I'm concerned, this is the one that should have existed.
Cheers,
Some random person :D

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